Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Roller derby facts and figures

It is a proven fact that the number of tights and socks a girl owns will exponentially increase the longer she plays roller derby. Tights are a roller girl's staple, as they serve not only to make her look exceptionally hot, but also to protect her precious thighs, lest she fall and incidentally remove all the skin from them; a tragedy known as 'rink rash'.

As you can see, ownership of any vaguely hookerish clothing is positively correlated with the length of time one has been on a roller derby team for. You will notice that booty short-ownership increases differently to that of tights and socks. As you can see around the three month mark, when the idea of so flagrantly displaying one's ass in public doesn't seem that strange anymore, the number starts to increase. It isn't until about the five month mark, however, when one has enough ass confidence to actually wear the aforementioned shorts in public, that we really start to see some growth.

Another phenomenon we often see in roller derby is the effect of the sport on players' legs, as seen in this graph:

Derby girls are generally renowned for their impressive badonkadonk (fan page for Estro Jen's ass, anyone?) and leg muscles, but the unfortunate truth is that any attractiveness gained along with said muscle tone is often nullified by the inordinate number of bruises that clad the legs of derby girls the world over. I personally often feel the need to assure passersby that I am not, in fact, a crack addict, or the subject of leg-related domestic violence - I simply take roller skate wheels to the shins at high speeds several times a week.

Finally, another interesting trend that I'm sure many roller girls have seen come to fruition:

For whatever reason, I have had more male friends than female friends for most of my life. I think I generally feel intimidated by most females, but surprisingly, the beautiful, strong, and fit women I have met through roller derby, who are all far more impressive skaters than I am, do the opposite of intimidate me. A roller derby team ain't no group of Sex and the City girlfriends, but legitimately rad females, with whom the friendships I have would not exist if it weren't for roller derby.

I did briefly entertain the idea of punching the numbers to compare alcohol consumption before I joined a derby team with the present day, but I think that's a door that best remains closed. 


  1. i heart the charts! good job

  2. i love this blog amazing and quite funny you are a great writer keep it up ! we are a bunch of roller derby freaks from mount maunganui ! add us on facebook mount militia :D

  3. i'm a derby girl-- this cracked me up, 10 months in & i have an entire drawer of derby clothes!!

  4. Woot, woot! I was wondering when this study was going to get done. Now I can cite this chart when discussing my bruises with non-derby freaks.

  5. Awesome article!